Reason #23 why I couldn’t be a stay-at-home-dad

I could never be a stay at home dad for a variety of reasons, but the primary reason is boredom. I’d either be constantly ignoring my kids because I couldn’t stand one more second of playing Thomas the Tank or teaching over their shoulder how to play a video game, or I’d be buying them a new toy every other day just so I could keep myself happy.

For instance, even though there’s generally nobody here at the house all day, either myself or CareerMom ALWAYS make the boys’ beds up before we leave. Now, MLI has a number of pillows on his bed, and since one of my all-time least favorite things to do from a chores perspective(right behind putting laundry away and unloading the dishwasher), is making beds, I always try and mix up the pillow arrangement.

It’s my own personal pillow challenge each time I do it.

For instance, here’s one arrangement:


and here’s another:


As you can see, gravity defiance and lateral similarity is prized above good looks.

I read a blog yesterday whereas the wife was complaining a bit about how anal her husband was. I had a hard time relating…

Can you imagine how insane the house would be if I were here all day?
I mean, I might start bobby pinning together socks with the boys’ names on them so I could tell them apart when CareerMom buys them matching socks, something that, for the life of me, I can’t figure out.

Maybe I would actually put all the big forks in one slot in the silverware divider, and all the small forks in another. Spoons too.

I could vacuum the carpet so that all of the vacuum marks are equidistant from one another, and all grained in one direction.

Heck, I might even go around, every day, with a bottle of Windex and a paper towel and get off (heh heh, I said “Get off!”) all the toothpaste spray marks from the mirrors.

I don’t know…haven’t given it too much thought.

But suffice it to say that I’m way to uptight to be a SAHD, so to you guys out there who do it, my hat is off to you. Oh, and you moms too I guess (KIDDING!)

Speaking of hats! Oh man, I could build a hat rack and hang it in the closet and then we could put all of our hats up there in order from…

5 thoughts on “Reason #23 why I couldn’t be a stay-at-home-dad

  1. Boredom as a SAHD?

    Yep, that is why we have the PS2, the high end video card for gaming in the PC and now the Wii.

    Probably the reason I shouldn’t be allowed in my own home for more than 6 hours at a stretch.

    RE: Man, you are livin’ the dream baby! I have a PS2 and of course a Wii (in the closet), and I can’t wait till my boys are old enough to take on old dad! Course, by then, I’ll have lost half of my brain synapses; no doubt the ones that perform hand-eye coordination. Sigh…I’m becoming my father!

  2. romi41

    hahaha….whenever I was assigned to the vacuuming task, I would always try to make the patches the same right down to the direction of the grain! Haha, I love finding that out about you! 😉

    RE: So, either I attract like-minded weirdos, or there are a lot more of us out there that could benefit from pharmacological eutopia!

  3. May I add to that list? You could also…
    Separate utensils in the dish washer so putting them away runs more efficient. Then make sure everyone else in the household follows these OCD induced activities.

    Build your wife’s cat an eight foot tall, all wood, hand stained, multi leveled house built to match the wood furniture down to the same dining room chair cushions.

    Reaching the point where you let the cat lick your popsicle for a minute, and then you pop it back in your mouth. (After a dozen dirty diapers and vomit, vomit, vomit all day, vomit, vomit vomit, these sorts of disgusting, vomit, vomit, vomit, things don’t seem to faze anymore. Vomit.)

    Build a spice rack equivalent to the ninth wonder of the world to hold all fifty-three spices. Which also matches the furniture.

    Follow your wife’s cleaning list…. (still working on that one)

    Keep the vacuum tracks all going the same direction! Yes It has been known to happen.

    As one becomes sick to death of the constant house-cleaning, individuals have been known to eventually cut corners by using their used Kleenex to quickly scrub the toothpaste splatters off the mirror.

    (Read books about OCD)

    Compare and contrast the different diapers and their effectiveness in preventing blowouts.

    Check, count, and remove the weevils in your twenty-year old sourdough starter, hourly, as they creep out of the bottom and up the crock, in hopes of salvaging it, and making sure no one sees the weevils.

    Water the basil plants, and count and smoosh the caterpillars as they shit on and eat your succulent leaves.

    Wipe baby ass all day, every day, nonstop, never ceasing, help, now…. Vomit.

    RE: Tried the utensil thing…didn’t work! Toddler decided his new favorite thing is removing all of the dirty silverware from the dishawasher and then slamming it shut and giggling uncontrollably!
    The rest…Damn!
    That’s…really…all I can say…

    That and take a look at At Home Dad’s comments about surrounding yourself with entertainment of the Wii/PS2 sort!

  4. Love the Superman pillow…especially in arrangement #1.

    I’m impressed that you would be so, um, productive at home. I would probably be doing terrible things like ignoring my child while watching Regis & Kelly, then The View, then What Not to Wear (can you tell I had a few days off last week?).

    RE: I’m not even sure where the Superman pillow came from. Pretty sure it was a gift from an uninvolved, and therefore, uninformed about our deco’r, grandparent.
    Oh, totally thought about you yesterday as I re-entered the men’s locker room after my soak in the sauna!

  5. Dang. See, my boy is merely eight weeks now. And I have been receiving many revelations as to how The Boy will act when he is of toddler age as I comment on the blogosphere. And I must say, my head aches when pondering the endless life disrupting possibilties, such as him emptying the dishwasher onto the floor. Of course I realize I have much in store for me, but when I hear people actually tell me the specifics, well, it just seems to hit home harder. Can’t wait!

    RE: Yeah, every parent is an expert!! HA!
    I’m the first person to admit that I’m very selfish with my time. And selfish is something kids just don’t care about. It’s a huge change man. And just when you tell yourself, “If we can just get him to start sleeping,” something else will happen to be a bane and then you’ll say, “Oh man, if we can just get him to start eating table food.”
    I swear, it’s always something. Honestly, I don’t understand how we, as a species, have thrived like we have. I’d rather build retaining walls all day than raise a passel of kids. It’s far less exhausting!

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