Everything works itself out in the wash

I’m woefully behind on both household chores and funtime activities thanks to my most recent back issue (which, as I was putting on my socks this morning, re-asserted itself). And nothing makes this more apparent than my getting totally psyched over something that most people dread…

My new iron came in the mail Saturday.

Yeah, as in, an iron to make my clothes all nice and neat. I told you it was banal and ridiculous, but that’s what I’m down to these days. If there’s anything that the military taught me, other than the fact that short hair looks way cooler on short people, it’s that nothing speaks as highly of a man, as does shiny shoes and properly pressed clothes. Oh, I know that “slacker-dude” exudes a sort of charm and carelessness that some women find attractive, but I figure it’s a bit like “good girls.” You might want to date unkempt slacker-dude, but would you take him home to meet the folks?

I started ironing when I was in the military. Ironing was a highly prized skill and yes, we did approach it with an iron in one hand and a pair of tweezers in the other. Those stories are true. And perhaps since ironing was the one activity in boot camp where you could get away with doing almost nothing and not get yelled at for it, I grew to like its mindlessness.

It’s like Tai-Chi for the hyperactive.

Seriously. Now, for optimal ironing enjoyment, you can’t just approach it in a lickety-split fashion; no, you come at it with a plan and a methodology. Only then can you truly enjoy its simplicity…grasshopper.

My Program:

Get everything set. Put water in the iron for maximum steam. Organize your clothes by material, starting with silks and polyesters first because they require a lower heat setting. Gradually work your way up to cotton and wool. Turn on something mindless on the TV; a sports game or a movie you’ve seen (this is the beauty of ironing see. You can do something respectable and necessary, while also doing something selfish and wasteful! It’s a win-win!).

When your spouse walks in, he/she will click their tongue at your foolishness because they take their clothes to the cleaners, thus saving them time. However, they will also admire your fortitude and thriftyness. It’s all good though, because you’re in the zone; you don’t care what they think.

So go ahead, listen to the Mr. Miyagi of ironing: “We make sacred pact. I promise teach karate ironing to you, you promise learn. I say, you do, no questions.”

4 thoughts on “Everything works itself out in the wash

  1. May I suggest a teflon shoe for your iron? Very popular in quilting circles, as it allows for the highest heat setting to be used on any fabric with no scorch marks or sticking. And I’ve tried it on silks and the like, and it works.

    Re: I’d never heard of these before, but now I know. My only concern is that it might ruin the uber-high tech look of my super-cool digital readout iron. I mean, a guy’s gotta look good if he’s ironing, cuz in itself, ironing is NOT sexy.

  2. Oh man, if you’re going to be pulling out the Karate Kid references, I fully expect you to teach your readers how to catch flies with chopsticks, dress like a shower stall for Halloween, or wash/wax a car. I think there’s probably a better chance that I will take up fly catching with chopsticks than I will start ironing (fluff setting and dry cleaning all the way). Though your fortitude is admirable.

    Re: I didn’t pick up the use of chopsticks till I was a “kept” man. I wonder though, if I could take my t-shirt tweezing skills and turn them towards more artistic (and deadly) endeavors! You sound like CareerMom though. She brought two pair of slacks to me last night and said, “Which looks better with this shirt?” (yes folks, she asked ME!). I looked at them both and said, “It would look fine with either pair, but the brown ones need ironing. Want me to iron them right quick?” She just looked at me, shrugged her shoulders and said, “Nah, they’ll be fine.”
    I was soooo close!

  3. You know, I ironed a ton in college. My skillz seem to have diminished since then. The wife doesn’t iron often, but clothes look REALLY good when she is finished. Most of the time I ended up with a half-pressed looking mess.

    Should I practice more? Or just keep up with the slouching slacker look that seems to fit me sooooooooooo well?

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