After the makeup soccer game this past Saturday, I was trying to make a quick escape so I could get some things done around the house and still have time to be a dad, when, as I was packing up the car, the coach of the team asked if we wanted to go grab some pizza for lunch with his family.

*sigh*

And I say *sigh* for many reasons here:

1. It was early. Like…11:15 a.m. and I had just eaten a protein bar, the kids had just had the post-game snack. Who was hungry?
2. I felt bad for the coach because he got suckered into coaching when he thought he was just going to be an assistant. His daughter, who was on the team, spent most of her season sulking and walking around the field with pouty lips and crossed arms. I felt bad for the guy. He claimed he mostly wanted to get a beer. (Before noon?)
3. The kids had already had pizza three times in the last 3 days
4. The beach is coming up and the last thing I want is pizza!

But…I folded and off we went. Once there, the kids all sat at a little table to the side while we adults took the big table and talked. We all kept one eye on our kids while discussing careers, how each couple met…the usual. After a while, I noticed the kids all eyeballing the little gum and toy vending machines in the back of the pizza parlor and before long, MLE came over and said, “Daddy gum?”

Knowing that I actually had a couple of $1 dollar bills in my wallet for a change, I went back and made change and gave each child 50 cents for the vending machines.

The other couple’s little girl got a green slimy snake

MLE got a green slimy space alien

MLI got a gold-plated keychain with an Uzi attached.

AN UZI? WTH?

In what world is this OK? And, knowing these tiny little pieces of crap come from China, who is approving this junk?

Uzi aside, what does a gumball machine dispenser need to dispense gold BLING for?

Un-friggin-believable.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m about as “pro-gun rights” as a person can be and not have a hidden safe full of them in his closet, but I draw the line at giving kids guns, unless it’s MY kid and MY gun and we’re learning about gun safety.

Anyway, I let him keep it, knowing that full well in the next few days he’d lose it and I’d find it and accidentally drop it in the recycle bin.

But, the meal wasn’t a total waste. Before we left, I noticed MLI was in the back still doing something. So, I went back there and he was playing a car racing game while another little boy lay on the floor pushing the gas pedal for him. Confused as to where he got the money to play the game, I asked MLI about it and he told me the little boy gave it to him.

So wait…lemme get this straight…the little boy gives you HIS money to play a game AND he gets stuck laying on the dirty floor pushing the gas pedal while you play?

Wow! Pretty impressive. I’m considering changing his name to “MLM” — My Little Manipulator.