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Dad Blogs Family Life in these United States Society

“I can’t stand it…I know ya planned it…”

image Every egocentrist feels that the cosmos are out to get him or her. There’s always some grand plan by “The Gods” to screw up whatever it is that person has going on. And while I don’t believe myself to be terribly egocentric, nor do I feel that my plans have been thwarted at every turn, the older I get, the more I realize how unfair the world really is.

Of course I’ll explain.

I am not the most patient person. Most people don’t see it, but when I was 14, I put my fist through a door in our house and told my dad I fell down the stairs. I’m not sure he bought it…in fact, knowing how wise I am now about kids, I KNOW he didn’t buy it. But all my life I’ve struggled with letting things go. I’m very competitive and I think the fact that for many years I struggled to make a name for myself in the corporate world, without a college degree, caused me to square off against others–especially when I felt they were supposedly “smarter” than me.

I was penalized for that, a lot.

My last two months of the military, while working swing shift one evening, I told my duty officer that I was NOT going to do something to the network that he told me to do. It was a ridiculous order, born out of his lack of understanding of the system, and also, he didn’t know a T1 from his ass. I, on the other hand, had taught myself the ins and outs of this new technology and knew that doing what he was ordering me to do, would shut down a major comm line between the Pentagon and one of our satellite broadcasting stations. I argued with him in front of everyone else.

Predictably, I lost. My commanding officer called me into his office and said (I have a very good memory for conversations): “Chris, I know you did what you felt was right, but regardless of whether it was right or wrong, you can’t just piss on the chain of command. It’s there for a reason.”

He was a cool dude and after hinting that he too thought my duty office was an idiot, sent me home. I think it helped that I only had two months of service left, but still. There were several such instances while I was in the military, but I never had anything permanent on my record and I still received a Meritorious Service Medal when I separated (nyah, nyah, nyah nyah nyah!)

My first job out of the military was with a medium-sized global telecom company. I was the youngest guy on the team, made up primarily of guys who were perfectly happy working graveyard shift into their retirement. They were also lazy, which pissed me off. I remember another meeting with my boss:
“Chris, you have got to learn to control your temper. You’d be managing a shift already if you didn’t piss off your teammates so badly.”

The word “piss” seems to come up frequently in my life.

I say all this to illustrate that I have been penalized time and again for being outspoken. Sure, I’m not the most politically correct guy on the block. I know this. Despite being a professional wordsmith, when it comes time to suck up in an e-mail, I just can’t find the words. Recognizing my shortcoming in this area, nowadays I’ll just take the crap thrown at me, rather than poke back at the pitcher. So I’ve learned. I’ve learned that I’m either not good looking enough, or rich enough or whatever enough to get away with being a smartass. And so I put my head down, and I do what I’m supposed to do and I try not to rock the boat (too much).

But there are other people who seem to be rewarded for such behavior. The excuse always seems to be, “Oh, it’s just their personality.”

B.S!

If I have to play nice, they should too.

I still have a temper…oh yes I do. But I’ve learned to refocus that anger (usually) in other directions (the Internet has helped). That doesn’t stop me from soliloquizing in my head these long drawn out scenarios where I excoriate the other person in front of their peers. It helps though, that I have a family.

I think rudeness and anger are the purview of those who don’t
have others relying on them.

But can someone explain to me why doctors say that stress, which raises your blood pressure, is so bad for you; yet, exercise, which also raises your blood pressure, is said to prolong your life? Aren’t they the same function really?

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Dad Blogs Family Life in these United States Marriage Society

Go ahead, take away my Man Card

image Men have codes. We have a LOT of codes. And the funny thing is, for a gender that has, historically at least, been maligned as little more than sex-starved warmongers, most of our codes involve things like chivalry and bravery and good stuff like that.

But, if I’m being honest, we do have codes about sex and war, so there is some fact at the bottom of all that history.

At night, I have a routine. Once the kids are in bed, I get myself cleaned up, check my e-mail and then I usually retire to bed with CareerMom where we lie in bed and watch TV (unless we have other things on our minds). Most of the time, CareerMom is good about letting me watch what I want to watch because, unless we’re engaged in witty banter, she’s usually asleep within 30 minutes anyway. So the few times that she does actually want to watch something, I give in.

And that’s how I started watching “The Bachelor” this season.

Yeah, I know, I know. Don’t start with me guys!

To be honest, there are things about this show that redeem themselves, such as the 25 beautiful women walking around all dolled up for the first few episodes. But, as time goes on, and the Bachelor sends them home one by one, the eye candy dwindles and you’re left watching some young stud try and woo these women using all of his charms.

Now one of the codes we men have revolves around how we married guys rally behind our single brethren. At the risk of sounding like a pig, it’s a bit of a “living vicariously through another” thing. Sure, I may be happily married, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate watching a master at work. Heck, I bet even Bob Ross would have appreciated watching, oh I don’t know…what’s that “Painter of Light” guy’s name?

Anyway, I’ve been mentally giving this year’s Bachelor a “You go BOY!” as he cut the list of ladies down to these last three; but last night, I must say I lost all respect for the guy. Even followers of “The Code” have a line and that line involves marriage. When you get down to the nitty gritty and you start talking marriage, then I think you have to stop and re-evaluate your actions and perhaps adopt the “other code” that we married men follow.

The Married Man’s Code:

My wife is my best friend. Her trust I shall not betray. Daily, I am tempted, but my promise is stronger than any temptation. I can look, discreetly, but I shall not touch. I respect my wife and I will not disrespect either her, or her memory, in the presence of others.

There’s more to it, but we sort of make it up as we go.

But this Bachelor guy, he’s a piece of work. Now granted, so much of this show is manufactured that it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s not. But what IS obvious, is that this guy is a couple of dates away from asking a girl to marry him, and he’s spending the night, in the same room, with three different women. Even I can’t get behind that.

But I think what clinched it for me last night was when the second woman asked him the question: “Your house is on fire. What one thing would you grab as you ran out the door.”

I’ll pause here and ask you this question. What would you grab? Well, I’ll tell you that the first thing that came to my mind was, “my son.”

What did our Bachelor say? “My Air Jordan tennis shoes” or something like that.

I’m sorry, did you just say that you’d grab your shoes over your child? And this is after making a huge deal about family and how important they are. And while I’m bustin’ on this guy, here’s my other complaints:

  • Do you own anything other than a dark sweater and jeans? These ladies are dressed to the hilt for you and you have on your Levis.
  • OK, so you have a BA in Psychology. Still, quit staring at the girls like they are bugs. It makes them nervous and then they just start gabbing and saying stupid stuff, which you should know.

I can only imagine how the parents of these girls feel as they watch this guy, who their daughter is in love with, close the blinds on his love-nest with another women. Sheesh.

There is another code I’ve yet to mention and it goes something like this:

“R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Find out what it means to me….”

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Dad Blogs Family Life in these United States

Say Hello to my li-il frien’!

Last night, while sitting by myself downstairs watching “Wanted” with Angelina Jolie, that cool black dude that plays the head of the tech department at Wayne Enterprises, and a host of other people you’ve never heard of, this crawled across the floor:

IMG_2846In my younger years, regardless of the location, I would have instantly called for someone larger than myself to come kill whatever creepy, crawly thing I found around my home.

However, these days I have pity on the little critters. I mean, they just want to eat and have sex; just like me. So, I tend to cut them some slack…unless they are inside my home!

This little guy ended up floating in the commode after I shmooshed him in a heavily padded wad of toilet paper.

First thing this morning, I tried to figure out what he/she is. I mean, anything with cool markings like this has to be either A) One bad dude, or B) Pretending like it’s one bad dude.

I think it’s human nature, when trying to identify the unknown, to gravitate towards the dramatic and thus, the closest thing I can find to it, is the “Brown Widow,” shown here:

imageAnd yes, they are a poisonous cousin to the “Black Widow.” I think this is the Bollywood version of the Black Widow actually (sorry Romi, you have me on a Bollywood kick).

These guys have apparently just started moving into N. Georgia, having come up from the coast, so who knows.

Black, brown, whatever. I’m breakin’ out the spray this weekend!

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Dad Blogs Family

How did I get so jaded?

image Lying in bed a couple of mornings ago–briefly–with a cup of hot life in my hand, a commercial for “Valentine’s Day” came on the TV.

Me: “Man…Valentines is this weekend?”

CareerMom: “Ungh.”

She might have said, “Aaaagh” though. I’m not sure. It’s hard to decipher anything she says right now before she gets food in her; because, until she can talk without the threat of projectile vomiting, whatever she says is likely to come out sounding like the quick expanse of air that results from being hit in the stomach.

When did Valentines become a chore? This week MLI has to bring a “Crazy Sock” filled with candy for a friend in his class. MLE has to do Valentines for all the other 2-year olds in his class. I mean come on! Valentines for two-year-olds? Can we just call it what it really is please–a diversion to keep the screaming kiddies happy for an hour!

And forget trying to do anything romantic with CareerMom right now. The only way that’s going to happen is if the following set of coincidences occur (in this order):

  • We can get the kids fed and in bed before 8 p.m.
  • We find a safe alternative to speed that we can give CareerMom to keep her awake
  • Her “all day sickness” subsides at night rather than gets worse like it usually does
  • I can get myself excited over flannel PJs (that was soooo mean!)

In truth, we’ve not had good Valentines experiences. In the 9 years we’ve been married, two of our Valentines’ have ended in either one, or both of us, at the emergency room; once with our Weimaraner. Long story. Also, since we were also watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” when one event occurred, that movie is forever banished from our home (it would have been anyway since it’s just dreadful on its own merits).

Anyway, we have told each other that there will be no gifts this Valentines, and though I’ve never tested it, I’m pretty confident that she actually means it, rather than just saying it while fully expecting me to ignore her request and going out and getting her something shiny and new.

Somewhere, someone is out there saying, “You should put forth more of an effort. You and your wife need time alone together.”

Yep, I agree. Now, if you’ll just move some of my family (who have no other grandchildren) into my local area so they can watch the kids, OR find a teenage babysitter who is both A) responsible and B) not popular with her friends so that she’s home at night, then maybe we can do it.

P.S. There will be cards…and some sort of “special dinner.” I’m not yet sure whether I want to wait and eat AFTER the kids are in bed, or just go through with it while they are awake. I mean, either way, there will be no post-delicious-dinner lovin’, so it’s not as if the kids are going to kill the mood or anything.

What about you? Is Valentines celebrated in your house?