Lying in bed a couple of mornings ago–briefly–with a cup of hot life in my hand, a commercial for “Valentine’s Day” came on the TV.

Me: “Man…Valentines is this weekend?”

CareerMom: “Ungh.”

She might have said, “Aaaagh” though. I’m not sure. It’s hard to decipher anything she says right now before she gets food in her; because, until she can talk without the threat of projectile vomiting, whatever she says is likely to come out sounding like the quick expanse of air that results from being hit in the stomach.

When did Valentines become a chore? This week MLI has to bring a “Crazy Sock” filled with candy for a friend in his class. MLE has to do Valentines for all the other 2-year olds in his class. I mean come on! Valentines for two-year-olds? Can we just call it what it really is please–a diversion to keep the screaming kiddies happy for an hour!

And forget trying to do anything romantic with CareerMom right now. The only way that’s going to happen is if the following set of coincidences occur (in this order):

• We can get the kids fed and in bed before 8 p.m.
• We find a safe alternative to speed that we can give CareerMom to keep her awake
• Her “all day sickness” subsides at night rather than gets worse like it usually does
• I can get myself excited over flannel PJs (that was soooo mean!)

In truth, we’ve not had good Valentines experiences. In the 9 years we’ve been married, two of our Valentines’ have ended in either one, or both of us, at the emergency room; once with our Weimaraner. Long story. Also, since we were also watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” when one event occurred, that movie is forever banished from our home (it would have been anyway since it’s just dreadful on its own merits).

Anyway, we have told each other that there will be no gifts this Valentines, and though I’ve never tested it, I’m pretty confident that she actually means it, rather than just saying it while fully expecting me to ignore her request and going out and getting her something shiny and new.

Somewhere, someone is out there saying, “You should put forth more of an effort. You and your wife need time alone together.”

Yep, I agree. Now, if you’ll just move some of my family (who have no other grandchildren) into my local area so they can watch the kids, OR find a teenage babysitter who is both A) responsible and B) not popular with her friends so that she’s home at night, then maybe we can do it.

P.S. There will be cards…and some sort of “special dinner.” I’m not yet sure whether I want to wait and eat AFTER the kids are in bed, or just go through with it while they are awake. I mean, either way, there will be no post-delicious-dinner lovin’, so it’s not as if the kids are going to kill the mood or anything.

What about you? Is Valentines celebrated in your house?