One of these days, I’ll just have to wipe my own hiney

MLIs potty station According to a survey by the U.S. Dept. of Agriculture (agriculture?), it now costs approximately $204,000 to raise a child in the U.S. That number is up about 15% from the same study in 1960.

However, I postulate that the data are off in certain areas and that if we adjusted today’s costs to compensate, the number would be sharply higher than 15%. What am I talking about? I’m talking about poop (of course!).

Like many kids (hopefully), neither of my boys like to get their hands messy. This is especially true for MLI, who, as I’ve blogged about previously, is borderline OCD with certain things. He doesn’t like to get paint on his hands. At dinner, if he gets a sauce on the side of his arm, he freaks out. Even water causes him grief until both CareerMom and I have assured him that “Honey, water dries.”

So it should come as no surprise that when it comes to poop, the whole potty thing is a veritable colonostic Hiroshima just waiting to happen!

The problem is compounded even more by the fact that he has a small…um…colon (or something), thereby making it difficult for him to poop. So, we have to keep him on a small dose of laxative. Therefore, when he does go, it’s often messier than usual. To help prevent potty time meltdowns due to the mess factor, and so that one of us didn’t have to stand there with a wet washcloth, a long time ago CareerMom bought a box of “Kandoo.” They are billed as “moist” wipes for kids, and I suspect, based on their price, that the goal is to get the kid hooked on them now, so that they will forever eschew dry T.P. in favor of the overpriced moist towelettes for the hiney!

(Secretly, I kinda like them too, and I once remember seeing a comment on “Year of the Chick’s” blog about how we men (unsanitary trolls that we are), should all use them.)

Anyway, the things cost a friggin’ arm and a leg. Even the generic store brand ones get expensive when the kid sits in there after pooping and uses twenty at a time. CareerMom and I, both knowing this is going on, try to get in there to prevent such widespread abuse of the moist towellete, but we are usually met with a shrieking, “NOOOOOOoooooo” and a door slammed on our toes.

If anyone has an alternative, I’m all ears. I mean, that $15 a month on moist towelettes (I said “moist” four times *snicker*) could be diverted to his college fund, or my HDTV fund or something REALLY important like that!

4 thoughts on “One of these days, I’ll just have to wipe my own hiney

  1. Stacy

    Hey, I just found this entry while tagsurfing parenting and thought I’d give you an idea. We don’t have any OCD kids (yet), but hubby and I like to stay clean ourselves. 🙂 We just use cheap baby wipes… they’re the same thing as the fancy kid or adult ones, and a lot less expensive. They’re also great for cleaning up after intimate activities. (I can’t believe I just wrote that to a stranger on the internet! Hahaha… but it’s true!)

    RE: That’s a good idea, but for the kiddo’s it needs to be flushable, else you’ve got poop-scented wipes hanging out in the bathroom trash can.
    It’s a good idea for um…intimacy too though. But…soooo coooold!

  2. Install a bidet! 😀 Thank you, thank you… I must now spread my geniusness to the other parts of the internets…

    RE: Uh huh, great idea genius…till they start using it as a water fountain 🙂 I can see it now…”Look daddy…”

  3. romi41

    “colonostic Hiroshima”…..that is my new favourite term 🙂 And HA…did I really say that? I think I did…I think I was talking about how men sometimes buy the crappiest “newsprint”-like toilet paper…but wow, moist towelettes…never thought of that…..and…and….say “moist” again!!! (hahaha… 😉 )

    RE: Isn’t “moist” just the worst? Actually, I think it was someone commenting on one of your posts that mentioned the “moist” towelette thing; which is what originally got me thinking. It’s funny how something sticks with you for months and then you end up blogging about it!

  4. There is absolutely nothing better to spend money on than wet wipes! Dry toilet paper is absolutely neanderthal! We’ve been buying them by the case for 10 years now, since my daughter was an infant. I hate being anywhere without them! If only I could convince my husband to use them . . .

    And I hate to admit this or make it public, but we live in the country and have a septic system so we flush nothing, in the hopes that we don’t overload it. Forget about the flushables! It’s better in the garbage than on your ass or in your underwear – lol:)

    RE: Ok, I’m totally with you here, except…how do you like…hide that stank towelettes in your garbage? That’s my big thing…
    Oh, and your mentioning a septic tank reminded me of how when I was a teen, I was always fearful that one of the um…things…I flushed would end up clogging the septic tank we had, thus prompting a plumber guy who would inevitably bring one to my dad and say, “Yep, here’s your culprit.”
    And since I know mom and dad never…um…used…um…those things, I would have been soooo busted! HA HA HA

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