Sorry, I couldn’t find any compelling pictures to support “Picture Phone Phriday” so we’re trying something new today, and probably today only!
But folks, I need your help. We…need your help. See, I have a friend, let’s call her Mary. Mary and I have known each other since 6th grade, when I moved from the relative high-society of Mobile, AL. out to a po-dunk part of town called Semmes, AL. Of course, this meant changing schools and being a 6th grader meant I was the new boy at the bottom of the heap, since the school started at 6th and went up to 8th. As such, I got picked on…a lot. Which might explain my drive to exercise today, but wait! Phy-sychiatrist Phriday isn’t about me!
Anyway, Mary and I became sort of unspoken friends, and for a couple of years there, we alternated between liking each other and completely ignoring each other. For some reason though, the stars never aligned and we never hooked up. But we have remained good friends to this day. She is one of the only people from my childhood that I still keep up with, with any kind of regularity. She even lurks around here and on the very rare occasion, will leave a comment.
I hope she doesn’t mind, but she needs our help and I’m going to plug into the P&P brain-trust and see if we can help her out.
Here’s the deal:
Mary is currently single, and has a son nearly the exact same age (and with the same name) as MLI. It was a strange coincidence to be sure. She’s been married once and, let’s just say, it was kinda weird and that we’re glad she got out of it. She’s been dating a guy now for a while. He has kids of his own and from what little I know, his previous marriage wasn’t all that great either.
Mary is a traditional kinda girl. Meaning, she likes a commitment. She wants to be married. She wants the “dream.” Is that so wrong? Well, it apparently is for her current boyfriend, who claims one minute that he doesn’t want to get married again, while another minute saying, “Give it time, when it’s right, we’ll know,” to yet another time telling her that he loves her deeply and needs her and all that good stuff.
Mary is stuck. She really likes the guy (loves even I would say), but she has a son and a life, and dare I say, parents that she doesn’t want to let down. She wants to be married, but at what cost?
So, she recently asked me, “So do you think I’ve fallen for another man who says he loves me but has no intention of every marrying again?”
Now, you can probably guess what I told her, but I’m going to refrain from posting it so that I don’t skew your comments any. But, I pose her question to you. What do you think?
Postulates & Pastimes 
The fact that she’s even questioning her current situation this way tells me she has deep reservations about the boyfriend. Her gut is telling her one thing and her fears and needs are telling her something else all together.
Yes, she HAS probably fallen for a jerk who will never marry her, or who, at the very least is never gonna feel the kind of commitment she needs and deserves.
As hard as it will be she needs to do do deep soul searching and decide if she and her son don’t deserve better.
IMHO
I’ve seen so many of my friends go down this road. A dead end road. As Trish said, deep soul searching is in order, and if Mary wants to waste her life waiting on Mr. Wrong to do right, that’s one thing, but my advice to her is to get the hell out before her heart is completely damaged. Yeah, I know. Easier said than done, to get out. But sometimes the medicine and bitter after taste is necessary to have a healthy mind and body. For her son’s sake, she needs both the aforementioned.
Get out, Mary! Run!
I don’t wanna be too harsh, but my wife has a co-worker kind of in the same situation, sans children…
And is seeing a guy and …
well we just wanna say “He’s just not that into you…”
And, when you finally figure this out you can get out of the doomed relationship and move on…
to meet the guy who “is that into you!”
Just my humble opinion.
I’m sensing a trend here…
How long has she been seeing him? Is a “while” a couple of months or a couple of years? If she’s been with him for more than a few months, then I agree. It’s time to move on. If he is into her, he won’t let her go easily.
I’m with ispyu in that a “while” needs to be operationally defined. If it has been a long time, he sounds like an (in the words of Bridget Jones) “emotional f**k-wit”. Run! Of course, I realize that’s easier said than done when you’re not the one in the situation.
I agree. She needs to do some soul searching. However, she doesn’t need to be married to be happy. Maybe I’m in the same boat as the guy she’s dating. Not exactly sure what I want. If he loves her then he will always be there to support her. Why does she need the paperwork? It sounds like maybe he’s afraid that this relationship will end up the same way his last did. Give him time. He has his own searching to do.
RE: We have our first “wait it out” comment! Woo hoo!!!!
Let’s do some simple math here:
Him not being sure what he wants + her being sure of what she wants = him being unavailable which is < (less than) what she wants, and = to him being not that into her.
Solution to this problem: Kick him to the curb and find someone who is emotionally available and who is absolutely crazy about her especially if they’ve been dating for "a while".
When a guy is into a girl, there’s no wondering, hesitating or "let’s give it time".
And, in response to Nikki, if the paperwork doesn’t matter use your own logic in reverse: then why not get married? The paperwork does matter, it’s a big commitment and incredibly costly in terms of emotions and finances to back out of after the paperwork is done. But even that wouldn’t stall a guy if he’s really into her.
RE: Excellent point, and in fact, I used your argument in a response back to her this morning!
I have been reading about Mary. While everybody has a right to their opinion, do we really know this couple and know what is going on inside his/her head? It sounds like to me the guy has strong feelings and does love her, but we don’t know what his past relationships have been…maybe he’s been badly hurt and is afraid to trust again. It hasn’t even been a year yet. Why are we in such a hurry for a lifetime commitment? Give the guy some time.
RE: I know more than you folks, obviously, but the question is, If you’re that afraid of being hurt again, then why are you in a serious relationship. If you’re not “ready” then it’s not fair to the other person; especially when you know they are “ready.” What’s fair about stringing a person along when you have no desire for something more?