Month: May 2008

Categories
Dad Blogs Family Fatherhood Society

"It seems my hypocrisy knows no bounds…"

DaddydaycareAs I admitted (gasp!) to CareerMom this weekend after she scolded me for saying, “Dammit!” in front of the boys, I’m not perfect. I drink a beer in front of them every now and then. I get annoyed when they keep asking the same, or similar, questions time after time. And OMG! When MLE starts crying in the car, I could scratch my nails down a chalkboard and find a happier place. I’m not perfect, I’ll freely admit it.

I am also, I’m discovering, a sexist and a hypocrite to boot!

See, despite my, “Hey, men are just as qualified as women to be child-care-givers,” attitude, I’m finding myself having a hard time accepting the fact that a man now runs our daycare facility.

What happened is, our daycare, which was previously run completely by three generations of women (they all worked there at the same time) has apparently made so much money off us parents that after only five short years, they are selling to a national chain of daycare centers (sounds like, “Grids R Grids”). We actually found out about this poorly kept secret this past weekend, and it was confirmed this morning as CareerMom greeted the new daycare owner, a man, in a wedding-reception-like gladhanding session as she dropped the kids off.

And I’m not too thrilled about this. I think part of it stems from the fact that another large chain of centers in our area (sounds like, “Snoddard School”) is also run by a man who just creeped the hell outta me each time I visited there; so much so that right after enrolling MLI after he was born, we pulled him out based almost entirely on the “creep vibe” the dude put out. So, I was already biased against men running daycare centers.

Call me crazy, but I can’t for the life of me, figure WHY a man would WANT to run a daycare center! I’m pretty sure that I lack several a gene that I consider prerequisites to caring for children over extended periods of time, such as:

  • the “sit on the floor and endure hours of monotony” gene
  • the “don’t react violently every time one of the kids swings something at crotch level” gene
  • the “fix three different really good things for lunch/dinner only to have them go and try to eat the dog food” tolerant gene

…and there are others I’m sure.

So here I am, finding myself railing against my kids going to a daycare run by a man, when some of the most well-adjusted men I know, are stay-at-home dads. Admittedly, running a daycare is probably more about project management than it is hands-on with the kids, but still…I can’t shake the bad feeling. I can’t shake the feeling that a man is more likely to cut corners if it’ll save a buck than a woman would.

See, hypocrite. That’s me.

What do you folks think?

Categories
Dad Blogs Family Life in these United States

The non-southerner’s guide to the south

dollywoodThough I was born in Monterey, CA, thanks to my father being in the Army, I’ve lived almost my entire life in the deep south–mostly Alabama–the place Leonard Skynard immortalized back in 1974, the year after I was born. My best friends growing up listened to country music, though I probably hunted and fished more than most of them, and I’ve driven a pickup truck pretty much since I purchased my first house and realized that you can’t tote sheetrock in a sports car (I had a 240SX).

Despite all that, I’ve never really fit the redneck profile that so many non-southerners hold so dear, thanks in no small part, to the media. And truth be told, most of the people I know from the south, aren’t like that either (that includes you DN!)

But those people do exist, as I found out on my recent trip to Dollywood.

Dollywood is located in Pigeon Forge TN, which is touted as the most visited tourist attraction in the country. Pigeon Forge is also right smack dab in the middle of the Great Smokey Mountains, in the middle of Tennessee, in the middle of the south…

Do you see where I’m going here?

My mom and her husband moved to a town just outside Knoxville, TN about 14 years ago. This year, for whatever reason, they purchased season tickets to Dollywood and with those tickets came some 1/2 off tickets for guests. When we went up this past weekend, they  suggested we all head on over to Dollywood for an afternoon of fun and frivolity.

Now, anyone who knows anything about me, knows that I abhor crowds. I’m that really good looking guy standing just outside the crowd (holding a beer) at parties. I don’t do large concerts. I don’t like to sit next to people I don’t know at church. Heck, I don’t even like answering the door at home if it’s someone I don’t know. People just make me uncomfortable! Despite all this, I’ll do just about anything for my kids, and so we all drove over the mountain (literally) and went to Dollywood on Saturday.

I can now report, with great certainty, that the people that Jeff Foxworthy jokes about, do actually exist, in a-plenty and they apparently love them some Dolly Parton!

When I wasn’t squirming in shame for the aged Wal-mart rejects working the kiddie rides and saying things like, “We’d like to thank you for riding the “Lucky Ducky” and please enjoy your visit to Dollywood,” I was dodging sweaty, plus-sized, halter-top models and doing my best to stare down Bubbas determined not to deviate from their path while walking five across and taking up the whole avenue!

Don’t get me wrong, on the whole, these people are the salt of the earth. When aliens finally figure out we’re more tasty than we are smart, I’m robbing the closest gun store and heading for the hills, where I’ll slip into my best southern drawl and where me and my family will hunker down until it’s all over. But I gotta admit, the stereotype isn’t completely without merit!

So if you’re planning a trip to Dollywood anytime soon, gimme a holler. I’ll be happy to give you the lowdown on the 1/32% of the park that we saw before the kids got too hot and tired, forcing us to beat an early retreat back to our oasis on the Little River.

Oh, and for all you Tennessee fans out there: ROLL TIDE!

Categories
Dad Blogs Family

My Solution to the Gas Crisis!

vacationForget food-price-gauging ethanol production; forget uber-expensive hybrid vehicles, and forget flux capacitors; I have a way to cut down on the demand for gasoline going into the hot summer months when everyone is racing to the beaches and casinos. I’d like to start a campaign called,
“Take A Kid On Vacation!” or TAKOV!

TAKOV! is a grass-roots campaign (by me) to bring awareness to those not yet blessed with their own little ones, and who still drive around everywhere in their sports cars, convertibles and mammoth SUVs, caring little for those of us with kids languishing in uncomfortable car seats for hours on end.

Here’s how the program works (in theory, though I’m still working out a few details):

Step 1:
You and your childless lover decide where you want to go on vacation together. The only rules are that you must drive, and the vacation location must be at least four hours away from your point of origin.

Step 2:
Contact TAKOV! and request a child, under the age of 6, to go with you. TAKOV! will comb through its extensive list of available children to find one (or 2?) who would best fit your vacation itinerary.

Step 3:
On the day of your vacation, pick up your TAKOV! child at a mutually agreed upon convenient location. TAKOV! will provide toys only, NO SNACKS. You are responsible for providing all food and drink for your TAKOV! child.

Step 4:
Enjoy your vacation!

The program works by ensuring that after taking at least one child on a long drive, the couple will never want to do it again, thus reducing the number of people flying or driving anywhere this summer. It may even have the added benefit of completely changing some couples’ minds about having children altogether, thereby also helping to solve that pesky population problem.

TAKOV! is also providing, free of charge, this handy-dandy list of things to bring along on the trip:

  • Headphones
  • Earplugs
  • Lots of sugary drinks
  • Lots of sugary snacks
  • Percocet/Valium
  • Long-handled fly swatter (use your imagination here)
  • Rooftop car carrier (for all of the kids’ stuff)
  • DVD portable entertainment system, if your vehicle is not so equipped
  • Books
  • Anything that makes a noise
  • Sippy cup w/ill-fitting top

So do your part, join TAKOV! by signing your child up for a wonderful vacation with a needy, childless family TODAY! (no prescreening necessary!)

(Author’s Note: Yes, we drove to Grammy’s house this weekend!)

Categories
Dad Blogs Family Fatherhood

Hollywood, is not America…(ripped off Blessed Union of Souls new song)

hollywood stars I’m considering changing my nickname for MLI because he’s really starting to come into his own. He’s still not “out there” when it comes to new situations, but when he’s around his homey’s, he’s quite the little leader.

And I got to thinking this morning, based on their personalities today, what if I were to compare my two boys to any movie character, who would they most resemble? I think it will be interesting in about 15 years to look back and see if they’ve changed all that much and if so, how.

So, without further ado, I present my lil’ fellars as Hollywood characters:

MLI = The Wizard of Oz!

I know, I know, it’s kinda hokey but lemme explain! MLI is bright, energetic and just a tad on the eccentric side. In the words of the trampy cocktail hostess in Swingers, “…he’s the guy behind the guy…”

MLI will probably never be a Fortune 500 CEO, but not because he doesn’t have the brains for it. More like, I’ll never be able to afford the Ivy League business school that’s required. No, MLI will be the quiet power broker working the deals behind the scenes. He’ll be the Karl Rove (with more hair) of whatever endeavor he throws himself into. And if people don’t like it, he’ll slip on his Batman costume and bust some caps!

MLE = Bodhi from “Point Break”

I’ll admit that this is just a little bit of me wanting to live the super-cool surfer life and I think MLE and his blonde hair and his “Dude, whatever! It looks like a rush so let’s do it!” attitude would fit the bill nicely. MLE can charm the pants off anyone and could probably hold up a bank with his smile alone. If he can just work off that baby fat belly and get those oh-so-sexy washboard abs, he’ll put even Swayze (in his younger days) to shame!

So I thought this was fun and I know most of my readers have kids, so why don’t you either blog about your kids or leave me a comment about them and tell me which movie character they most resemble, and why!